Manners and Etiquette

The other day while I was chatting on line someone apologised for "shouting"—that is she typed something all in capital letters which is considered a big no-no in a chat room. Actually, you really do have to see a certain irony in that, don't you? I mean you can type licks and dicks; cunts and cocks; fingering and fucking but, pulleezzz!!! no words in capital letters because that's just simply too crude, rude and nasty; it's bad manners and poor etiquette.

Well, many people lump good manners and etiquette together but they're really quite different things, aren't they?

"Etiquette is the rules of behaviour in certain situations; where as having good manners is showing kindness and consideration to people. It's about making them feel good about themselves and it makes you feel good, too," explains June Dally-Watkins, who's been teaching Australians the courtesies of civilised society for more than 50 years. I tend to agree with her. It's all very well and nice to know which fork or spoon to pick up first at the dinner—that's etiquette, but simple things like remembering to say "please" and "thank you"—that's simply good manners. Both are signs of good breeding but I certainly feel the latter is far more important.

It's interesting to note, too, that many things that were considered to be good or bad manners in years gone by are now quite simply obsolete. "A gentleman will assist a lady over the bad crossing, or from an omnibus or carriage, without waiting for the formality of an introduction. When that service is performed, he will raise his hat, bow and pass on.” Hill’s Forms, 1873, and from the same manual, “A lady should never shake hands with a gentleman unless she’s wearing her gloves.” Let me tell you, I've never had that service performed for me by a gentleman and I quite simply don't own a pair of gloves. Like so many things social these are either not applicable today, or just not considered necessary any more. Yes, so many niceties and formalities have disappeared from society but as we’ve moved further into our technologically driven world, where people tend to have less and less direct contact with one another, have good manners gone with them?

Aside from the distasteful words in capital letters, it's also very improper, on line, to privately message someone without asking them first—although people who know me know I do it all the time (uncouth little bag that I am, so I'm sorry to anyone I've offended lately). While off line it's considered bad form to text or accept a message while you’re dinning and certainly very impolite to take or make a call on your mobile phone while at the table. It's also bad manners to look over someone's shoulder, unless specifically given permission, as they're typing at their keyboard yet perfectly acceptable for you not to hold you're little pinkie out as you drink your tea while you're doing it.

Wikipedia describes manners this way: "In sociology, manners are the unenforced standards of conduct which show the actor to be cultured, polite, and refined. They are like laws in that they codify or set a standard for human behaviour, but they are unlike laws in that there is no formal system for punishing transgressions. They are a kind of norm. What is considered "mannerly" is highly susceptible to change with time, geographical location, social stratum, occasion, and other factors ".

While Dr James Donnelly, head of psychology at the Sydney Children's Hospital, views manners as a "lubricant for social interactions." He also goes onto say: "Manners help us live together in a small space. It makes interactions go a little more smoothly and be a little more predictable."Small spaces? Mmmm... Maybe that's why they're so so big on manners in Japan? Oh, I love the Japanese! I really do. It's like, "Thank you", "Oh no, thank you for your thank you, thank you!"

Yes, I like the structure and predictability that manners allow us and I like the social formality too, but most of all I think I just like to see people caring enough towards each other to want to please and be pleased.I guess it often really does just boil down to simple consideration towards one another. How often, for instance, do you see people left to sit awkwardly in restaurants and other public places while their companion chatters away on the phone? The other day I was lunching with my other half when his phone rang. He apologised, switched it off without taking the call, then we continued our chat. I’d call that "good manners" and I sure appreciated it—that simple act of consideration made me feel good.

Certainly, times change and we change with them. So are good manners fading out of fashion or are they just simply evolving?

Procrastinators

Actually, I was going to post this some time back but I never got around to it. Sorry, but honestly, how could I possibly resist that dreadful line here?

Well, anyway, according to the Wall Street Journal, around 20% of people confess to being procrastinators. I know I'm one. Yep, I'm a shilly-shallying, dilly-dallying, deferrer and delayer of dreary daily duties. Please, don't get me wrong, if it's something that someone else is relying on me for, I will make a much greater effort than if it's something for myself. But, really, is putting off doing things always such bad thing?

While the practice may frustrate and infuriate some people, not all procrastination is unwarranted and not all procrastinators are the same. I think we can categorise them into the following groups:

The Self-Procrastinators—This is by far the biggest group. I'm one of these. Like I said, if it's for someone else I'll make an effort, otherwise, especially if it's something like making an appointment for the doctor or dentist, I'll put it off and off, over and over, again and again.

The Old Aged Procrastinators—I love these people! Generally, they've worked long and hard over a lot of years, always keeping to schedules and various timetables, and now it's their turn to do things in their own sweet time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with old age procrastination. So, if you have it, I say, enjoy it!

The Perfectionist Procrastinators—Sure, they'll get around to doing it all right, because they truly believe nobody can do it better than they can. Only, they consider their time to be so valuable that they see no the point in rushing to get it done, only to later discover that it needed doing differently, or not at all. By doing things at the very last minute they're almost always guaranteed that what ever it is they do, actually needs doing and is done correctly. Maybe this form of procrastination is really a very finely tuned method of eliminating inefficiency.

The Polite Procrastinators—In direct contrast to the perfectionist procrastinators, the polite procrastinators, simply puts off doing everything until it either doesn't need doing any more, or it's done by someone else. They don't really care how it's done, or who does it, so long as it's not them! Then, they sit back and say nice things like "Thank you so much! You're so kind, but you really didn't have to do it!" Only, you know, and they know, you did, or it would never have gotten done!

The Happy Procrastinators—Let me assure you, never before in the history of man has a happy procrastinator ever died of any kind of stress related disease. Happy procrastinators, in contrast to those uptight "gotta do it yesterday" types, are content and relaxed about putting things off. Yes, it's probably very good for your health and well being to be one of these, even if it is at the expense of every other poor blighter around you.

The Control Procrastinators—Now, aren't these almost always of the male variety? They just have to be in control of everything, and that includes their time. Sure, they get things done but only when they're good and ready, and never a minute before. It's utterly useless setting deadlines for them because as a matter of pride and principle they'll always do it later.

The Creative Procrastinators—Otherwise know as the "Thinking Procrastinator". Let's face it, it takes brains and imagination to come up all of those excuses to convince yourself, and/or others, of all the reasons why you should put off doing what ever it is that you should be doing today, tomorrow. It's actually kind of ironic just how busy they're kept thinking up excuses.

The Pretender Procrastinators—Well, it's not really so much that they're pretenders, as much as they just prefer the word 'procrastinator' to what they know they really are, and that's a bunch of disorganised and chronically lazy slobs. They actually feel rather guilty about it all. They'd really like change their ways, and they probably will one day, but just not today.

So, are you a procrastinator?

Psychoneuroimmunology

Hey, how often do I get the chance to use an impressive word like that? And, when am I ever going to get a chance to use it again? Psy·cho·neu·ro·im·mu·nol·o·gy—pronounced: sk-nr-my-nl-j, -nyr —just in case you wanted to know.

I remember when I was a kid my dad used to tell me. "Each morning look up a new word in the dictionary, and then try to used it a couple of times that day."

By the way, basically it's the study of how our moods and emotions effect our health and well being. I came across it some time back but just couldn't quite manage to find a use for it, until now that is.Well, they say laughter is the best medicine, but you know just typing that ridiculous word, psychoneuroimmunology, and knowing that a whole lot people here, who are a lot smarter than me won't know what it means is, in a smug kind of way, making me feel a whole lot better already. So, I guess you could say I'm using psychoneuroimmunology right now to make myself feel better.

"The physiological effects of laughter and even smiling releases a number of positive chemicals into the blood cells that stimulate the immune system. At the same time there is a small rise in heart rate and blood pressure followed by a period of relaxation as endomorphines are released by the brain. Endomorphines (which are the body’s natural pain killer) and the increase in oxygen into the blood supply create a feeling of well being, a kind of rush. This helps to fight the effects of stress." That's the scientists’ fang-dangle explanation for what we all know to be true, and that is that laughing makes you feel good.

Yes, it's the cold and flu season here in Australia. I hate winter and I just can't wait for it to end. I'm really trying hard to psychoneuroimmune myself against all the bugs and things that are floating around at this time of year but I'm just not having a great deal of luck. (By the way, what does it mean if your ears squeak when you blow your nose? No, it's not a joke or riddle, I mean, seriously, what does it mean if you ears squeak when you blow your nose? )I guess I shouldn't complain, I rarely get a cold and, of course, it could be a whole lot worse. I mean, I ask you, the ladies, what's harder to put up with—having a cold, or listening to your other half whinge and whine when he's got one?

Psychoneuroimmunology... Mmm, try saying it fast, and it almost sounds like a noise you might make when you sneeze, doesn't it?

Oh boy, dear o' Dad's going to be so proud of me today!

"Excuse me..."

We went out for dinner on the weekend—just the two of us. I'm not the world greatest cook so we tend to eat out fairly regularly.

Oh, yes siree, I've sure had my share of near apocalyptic disasters in the kitchen, mostly when we've invited guests over, but at least I can say they're not always my fault. I remember one evening when I'd stuck a roast in the oven and it started emitting an odd smelling smoke. I foolishly and certainly rather optimistically assumed it was just something that I'd burnt onto it the last time I'd cooked. Alas, a half hour before our guests arrived, I went to check the roast and the oven had checked out!

Over the years, however, with the love and support of my darling partner I have managed to overcome the embarrassment of culinary failures. Now when guests come to dinner I've got him cued to say things like: "Alex, this simply delicious! It's cook exactly the way I like it!" So, even if it's raw, charred, or just simply didn't turn out how it was suppose to, our guests always assume, "Well, obviously Alex prepared it the way John likes it—can't blame her for that."

Ah, but I digress...

So, we were out for dinner on the weekend—a nice little place with soft music and lighting. We were perusing the menu when a party of eight came in and sat down a couple of tables away from us. Within minutes of being seat they were talking so loudly we were forced to endure their entire and entirely vapid conversation, peppered with raucous laughter each time one of them made an, obviously in house, joke. I felt like leaning over and calling out to them, "Excuse me, but we didn't quite understand what you meant, would you mind explaining it to us all?"

It was as if they'd forgotten where they were and that there were other diners nearby, and so they could treat the restaurant as their very own private dinning room. Needless to say, it only got worse as the evening wore and they consumed an inordinant quality of alcohol.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm all for people having a good time when they dine out but why is that some are just so obviously oblivious to other diners, and so inconsiderate and incapable of comprehending that others may not be as entertained and amused by their loud and obnoxious behavior as they seem to be?

Evolution of the Female
It may seem odd that, in today's modern western world, the preferred sex for many expectant parents is still a boy. Maybe it's a kind of inherent attitude that males are physically stronger, and therefore seen as better investments for their families? Or, maybe it's because egotistical males feel that unless there's a male offspring to carry on his name, his genes will be some how lost for ever? Actually, that's kind of ironic really, considering a recent report done in Australia found that as many as one in five men may not be the biological fathers of the kids they're raising.

Ah, but I digress...

So, in our new technology driven world, where brains are more important than brawn and more women are opting to be single mothers, is this attitude changing?In years gone by women were almost always financially dependent on men. He was "the man of the house"; going out each day to work as the family's sole breadwinner. Women were merely the baby makers and housekeepers whose non- domestic talents were almost always stifled by society's narrow patriarchal attitudes and traditions. How could a woman possibly achieve academically or have a success career with a tribe of kids, a mountain of laundry and other household chores, while still keeping up her 'wifely duties' to her husband? Now days with all our modern appliances housework has become far less labour intensive, the women's liberation movement is in full swing, and of course the 'the pill' has allowed more women than ever before to enter a whole a new era of independence.Of course, from a business point of view, it's really just good sense to employ women, particularly in 'white collar' positions, since studies suggest that females, generally, aren't only just as capable of the same tasks but are better at team building and communicating. Interestingly, researchers also conclude that women actually tend to make better investment decisions than men do.

A survey, by investment site "Digital Look", found that women consistently earn higher returns for their investments. So, maybe it's just a process of sound economic evolution, that as the workforce becomes less labour intensive, more women should enter it? Yes, Sir (Ma'am?), right now women are surely, economically speaking, the modern world's most under utilised resource, but is that all about to change forever, as we move further into the twenty first century and beyond? In 1950 only one-third of western women of working age had a paid job. Today two-thirds have paid jobs, making up almost half of the western workforce. More females, than ever before are enrolling in Universities. In fact, in Britain more women than men are now studying to become doctors and engineers.

By the end of the last century women hit the proverbial glass ceiling. It would seem now as if they are poised to smashed right through it leaving many a man at the bottom to sweep up the pieces, as they realise their full feminine potential.

Could the world, right now, be on the verge of an estragon powered takeover? But, realistically, how much further can the pendulum of change swing?

We've come a long way from they days when man was required to clubbed and dragged the evening meal back to the cave and fend off anything threatening with a shout and a big stick. However, while man is not longer traditionally the 'provider and protector', will many women still continue to instinctively look for those qualities in a mate?

Can a few decades of social engineering really undo millions of years of human evolution?

Footnote: Yes, I realise in some countries matriarchal tribes have and probably still do exist.

Our Great Hair Debate

How is it that, in our western society, the concept of a good body doesn't just come from a well-toned physique, good skin, and maybe a suntan? Oh, no! Particularly if you're a woman, it all means absolutely nothing if you're not fuzz free.

Remember the lovely Julia Roberts at the premier of "Notting Hill"? Everyone thought she looked just stunning in that sexy scarlet dress! But, when she lifted her hand to wave to the crowd the world was shocked! Could that really be hair under her arm? Men groaned in disappointment and disgust. Women gasped in horror and disbelief. And the media went into a flash frenzy.

Oddly, we seem to have an ambivalent attitude toward our hair, pampering and preening the stuff on top of our heads while shaving, waxing, zapping, and plucking it from every other part of our bodies.

I was at the spa the other day, yep—you guessed it, having my legs waxed. The therapist told me waxing is the most popular of all the treatments they offer. Even more interesting, she also told me, many men are now succumbing to body depilation. But wait, before you determine to bravely de-fuzz your entire body, how is it that we find hair on certain parts of the body so unattractive? Is it because we perceive our bodies to be more attractive and desirable in a hairless and innocent state? Ok, but then, how many of us have partners who are actually sexually attracted to a prepubescent? Since body hair is a product of testosterone, maybe that's why it's often considered masculine? So, when a woman removes her body hair maybe it serves to exaggerate the differences between the sexes? But then, bearing that in mind, surely a beard is the ultimate symbol of masculinity. So, why do so many men shave their faces? Of course facial hair on women is the biggest no-no of them all. We all know that. Yet, Mexican artist, Frida Kahlo's husband, Diego, loved her moustache. In fact once, after one of their many fierce and fiery arguments, she shaved it off just to spite him!

More women have excessive facial hair, or think they do, than you might think. Approximately 20 million American women remove facial hair at least once a week, according to research done by Bristol-Myers, a manufacturer of health and grooming products.

What about when a man removes hair from his body? Why does he do it? Is he perhaps, subliminally, trying to distance himself from his ape ancestors? (I tell, you I see a few missing links down at the beach each summer.) Ok, but then, why is hair on a man's chest considered sexy, and hair on his back and neck not?

I guess body hair has its roots (honestly, no pun intended) from the days when a club was something to hit dinosaurs over the head with, rather than somewhere to spent a Saturday night, and men used a woman's hair to drag her off the to nearest cave. Though we no longer need it for warmth and protection, it's going to be a while before we evolve to be hairless—at least a few millions years. So, maybe all these oddities are something we just need to learn to live with?I leave you to ponder.


Footnote: Ok, and if any of you men out there have ever had back, crack and sack wax, I would love to hear all about it—in detail, please.