Manners and Etiquette

The other day while I was chatting on line someone apologised for "shouting"—that is she typed something all in capital letters which is considered a big no-no in a chat room. Actually, you really do have to see a certain irony in that, don't you? I mean you can type licks and dicks; cunts and cocks; fingering and fucking but, pulleezzz!!! no words in capital letters because that's just simply too crude, rude and nasty; it's bad manners and poor etiquette.

Well, many people lump good manners and etiquette together but they're really quite different things, aren't they?

"Etiquette is the rules of behaviour in certain situations; where as having good manners is showing kindness and consideration to people. It's about making them feel good about themselves and it makes you feel good, too," explains June Dally-Watkins, who's been teaching Australians the courtesies of civilised society for more than 50 years. I tend to agree with her. It's all very well and nice to know which fork or spoon to pick up first at the dinner—that's etiquette, but simple things like remembering to say "please" and "thank you"—that's simply good manners. Both are signs of good breeding but I certainly feel the latter is far more important.

It's interesting to note, too, that many things that were considered to be good or bad manners in years gone by are now quite simply obsolete. "A gentleman will assist a lady over the bad crossing, or from an omnibus or carriage, without waiting for the formality of an introduction. When that service is performed, he will raise his hat, bow and pass on.” Hill’s Forms, 1873, and from the same manual, “A lady should never shake hands with a gentleman unless she’s wearing her gloves.” Let me tell you, I've never had that service performed for me by a gentleman and I quite simply don't own a pair of gloves. Like so many things social these are either not applicable today, or just not considered necessary any more. Yes, so many niceties and formalities have disappeared from society but as we’ve moved further into our technologically driven world, where people tend to have less and less direct contact with one another, have good manners gone with them?

Aside from the distasteful words in capital letters, it's also very improper, on line, to privately message someone without asking them first—although people who know me know I do it all the time (uncouth little bag that I am, so I'm sorry to anyone I've offended lately). While off line it's considered bad form to text or accept a message while you’re dinning and certainly very impolite to take or make a call on your mobile phone while at the table. It's also bad manners to look over someone's shoulder, unless specifically given permission, as they're typing at their keyboard yet perfectly acceptable for you not to hold you're little pinkie out as you drink your tea while you're doing it.

Wikipedia describes manners this way: "In sociology, manners are the unenforced standards of conduct which show the actor to be cultured, polite, and refined. They are like laws in that they codify or set a standard for human behaviour, but they are unlike laws in that there is no formal system for punishing transgressions. They are a kind of norm. What is considered "mannerly" is highly susceptible to change with time, geographical location, social stratum, occasion, and other factors ".

While Dr James Donnelly, head of psychology at the Sydney Children's Hospital, views manners as a "lubricant for social interactions." He also goes onto say: "Manners help us live together in a small space. It makes interactions go a little more smoothly and be a little more predictable."Small spaces? Mmmm... Maybe that's why they're so so big on manners in Japan? Oh, I love the Japanese! I really do. It's like, "Thank you", "Oh no, thank you for your thank you, thank you!"

Yes, I like the structure and predictability that manners allow us and I like the social formality too, but most of all I think I just like to see people caring enough towards each other to want to please and be pleased.I guess it often really does just boil down to simple consideration towards one another. How often, for instance, do you see people left to sit awkwardly in restaurants and other public places while their companion chatters away on the phone? The other day I was lunching with my other half when his phone rang. He apologised, switched it off without taking the call, then we continued our chat. I’d call that "good manners" and I sure appreciated it—that simple act of consideration made me feel good.

Certainly, times change and we change with them. So are good manners fading out of fashion or are they just simply evolving?